…

The happiness from inside start to grow when the monsters you take care of in your heart die.
Happiness is felt when you start to heal the wounds that people once you trusted hurted you with lies…
Monsters are beautiful creatures who makes you believe in dreams that would never come true and have the pleasure of crushing each piece of it right in front of you.
For the ones who suffer. belive it you can kill these monster by starvation dont giving them your dreams to be crushed, and happiness? it always come along in the end and let me tell you, it grows faster than you can possibly imagine!

” The Tools”

And little by little the knife went cutting through the flesh. It wasn’t fresh anyway, but you still could sent the smell of blood. It was all set in a table and the tools were all displayed in a perfect design, like if it wasn’t there by accident, or just because they had to be, they were displayed in the most perfectly way possible. When the body got on the table, there were still life running through it’s veins, but soon it started to get tired and finally was just a body. It was still fresh, but you couldn’t see anymore movement, maybe a blink of an eye, but it also could be imagination. Only knifes were used to actually cut it, but smaller tools as scissors and tweezers were also used to take off what it wouldn’t be need. When the first cut were made, you could hear a sight, showing there, in that body there were still life, but the knife was so precociously that soon, the flesh that might could be fresh, wasn’t anymore. Scissors just cut the nails and hair really short, nails were so short that if the body was alive, it would hurt for a couple of days until it grows again, the light pink nail polish would crack in every slice of nail the scissor would cut, some of the cracks fall in the floor or just would fit in the cracks of the wooden table, cracks into cracks. Finished with the nails, scissors went to the head… all the hair was cut, (even a little miss cut behind the ear left an open little wound if it was alive),but the rest it went all fine, you still could see some hair, like entrance, but was OK, it was done. For the lips, it was used a small knife, very sharpened, so cut could be precisely, lips was thrown away in a big bucket right beside the table, you could see the teeth, but it wasn’t scary or disgusting. On the forehead was made a small cut right in the middle in a shape of an “x”, then with a pointed object that i don’t remember the name, it knocked a couple times in order to break the skull. it was so small that you couldn’t say it was a whole in there. Ears and eyes were taped with a silverish cloth… nothing was made with them. Cheeks were sliced in very thin layers were, if you look closely, it would remind you shades of windows. Nothing was made on the neck, chest was left intact as well arms and legs. On the left side of the chest though, it took the most sharpened knife and little by little, you could actually hear the sound of the cutting, slowly, harmful less, there was no life there anymore, it cut until it reach the Heart. This yes, was alive, beating fast. It took the knife out. The Heart could stand the pain, but you knew it wouldn’t be for longer. Here comes a sharper and longer knife, crossing the wound already opened, it stuck really slow, again, into the chest, until it finds the Heart. It was done. The Heart was gone. Slowly beating, it was stopping, tired of fighting, tired of beat. Gracefully, the tools were cleaned, the blood was dry, it needed to be washed on hot water, the blood was hot again, but this time, with no Heart. The thing were left there, the tools were well wrapped and kept in a box where was written “Tools”. It left, with no coming back. And the Heart and its all together were left there, drying as it all was for its entire life.

Hi, my name is sorrow

All I want was something simple which I’ve had been complicating over years and years, God can’t stand me anymore. I got tired of pretending and just let it go… things got out of control, of my control…the only thing i want now is to fly away. Sometimes I close my eyes and imagine I’m with God and He is comforting me of all my sorrows, but soon i have to open back my eyes and the reality knocks back on my mind reminding me of all things I have to do.

No one cares, not even I care. God cares, but He said I could do whatever I want of my life he wouldn’t interfere…I gave my life to God the same amount of times got it back…Because I knew I could manage my life much better than He could…guess who was wrong? again…

When am I finaly going to understand pills and sorrow wont take me anywhere? I need Help, i really do. God can’t do nothing because I won’t let Him get close to me. I want to live…I want to be normal, I need to fly away, to go away, to be away…

I wish I could pretend a little more, but my days of pretending are over… now i got into the deep stuff…

Hi, my name is Camila, I’m 29 years old and need my life back.

to be taken away

Always wondered why things in life happen so quick, why I’m so naive, why people think (and this is a guess), i was born to relieve their pains and sorrows. Oh, how wonderful it seem to have someone who could relive, or at least serve as camouflage for all the things bothering you. As a battery has two poles, my life takes that role in the world. i swam through thousands of sperms, was the first to get there, and trust me, there were tons of them, but i made it. And as soon as i conquered my kingdom inside my mother’s womb, something came and told me : “now here is a list of what you have to do in life: 1st. have fun until you are seven, 2nd. make people happy as much you can not expecting anything in return, 3rd. yeah, that’s pretty much it. Now do your job” Can not handle my assignment anymore, as life goes on, things only turn to be worst. oh, about people i was supposed to make feel happy and better? yes, I’m doing that alright. They are all happy, fine and dandy. If not in that order, while with me, beside me, thinking of me, they were/are, so great! mission accomplished. There is a funny part in all of that, i did go to the doctor to see if it had a disease, maybe i had something hidden inside me who was making me feel sad. Nope, totally healthy. So must be something spiritual for Christ sake i need to be/feel happy at least a bit. Worst. It’s written in the Bible once you get into the path of the Lord, get ready to suffer. Oh well, if in the path of the Lord you suffer, you must have fun in the path of the Devil. Nope, you suffer double and even make others suffer, what goes against my 2nd task on my mother’s womb that was make as many people happy as i could. It’s, indeed, a catch 22. I have no where to run. My only task is to make people feel happy and give as little trouble as possible to world. I’m environmental friendly and pay my bills on time. Work hard to get some stuffs and must admit that makes me feel happy, but it only last by the time I left the store. Already thought about suicidal, but don’t know how long people would take to find me dead and, since I have perfect health (Thank God) I would like to donate all my organs. They are all good except for my liver, that must be messed up by the sleeping/depression/pain killers pills I’ve been taking over the years and my brain, that i actually think there is no transplant for that last one. Otherwise, all good, checked and perfect. If i have any dream? of course I do… tons of them, one and first is to be a mom and have a family. I’m 30, (almost), no degree or skills, teach English to kids and adults, but don’t consider that a career. And that means there will be no wise/smart man in the whole entire world who would take me, don’t want to be a single mom, so, my main dream is crashed. I’ve already crossed it from my “dream to do list”, what made all the other dreams flown away. So, correcting my statement made before, no, I have no dreams. The desire i got is somehow get shot in front a well equipped hospital where they make transplants,that would be my only “desire”. Don’t want people remembering “oh, the heart i have now, was Camila’s heart… poor girl who got shot in front that amazing hospital”. Just want they to live happy, that’s all. Since I’ve already passed my turn to be happy ahead, and this time, I MEAN IT, may other people who suffer from real pain be happy. But it would never happen, If i already asked God? of course i did, but He is the boss and said no “keep living like that, something will come along”… meh, good things keep happening to me all the time, really, every single second something incredible happen that is taken away by the following second just to remind me that wasn’t my turn and i didn’t deserve that. I’ve already had the perfect school, was taken away, the perfect friends (or at least they used to make me happy enough to call them that), taken away, the most suitable profession choice, taken away, the perfect housing, taken away, the perfect man, taken away, the most creative ideas, taken away… and so on… the only things that are left now are the ones who fit those perfect ones, like buying something on Chinatown to pretend you have the real one and find out the next day why the real one is the real one and the Chinatown is the Chinatown for a reason, the real ones REALLY works. I’m aware there are thousands and thousands of people who wish be on my shoes, but I’m also aware God understand my pain, sorrow and tiredness of all and forgives me for that. This post was not intentionally inspirational at all, do not try any of this at home or in life… may hurts. And whoever read this, just think about the lots of people who would be happy with my organs and pray for i get shot (and die please) in front one those fancy hospitals. The amount of people who would be sad with my death would be inconsiderable beside the people who would be happy with the joy bring back to their lives! But, once again, let’s linger life a little more since get shot is one of my wishes and as i left you all know so far, I’m not granted to get any of my wishes come true. My last cinderella story ended up in a very rot pumpking… more like Halloween then fairy tale. Let’s just go back on cleaning floors then, and wait (not to wish) a shot comes from the evil stepmother.

that bday comming

there it was, the tv set with that comfortable armchair, glass of wine by the seat she set beside the place, enough of everthing she had, and knew she would have. Listened to more that she wanted, talked less than she needed, and there was she, ageing. Had a soup before dinner just because of the flu, didnt want to let the door open, but had to because of the heat, didnt want to hear or do anything.
she thought so she could think… and wondered…
he was there, present with his cheecks… chubby cheeks, on the computer laughing, waiting for his woman, waiting for his food.
she was there, on the subway, thinking about him, how his laugh would change her day… what to do for dinner… sleep in chair.
But she stopped thinking, it would only hurt. She was ageing, mentaly and phisicaly… there was no way of stopping it, there was no way how going back the couple of years she lost. Went back of thinking… getting away, going away, leaving, lefting…nonetheless, everybody was already doing it, why couldnt she?
well, she came back on watching japan, and libya, thinking about all the world, but gave up.
he? was away…
she? was lost anyway…
we? her birthday is on Sunday, but there is nothing to be celebrated.
went back to the armchair, thinking again, this time, with a kind of laziness of going ahead with anything.
came back on watching tv, just wanting those chubby cheecks, laughing and “charing” back again.

She cried and died.

She would set there, and cry.
No friends, no lovers, tiredness…
She would not smile for a while, she would pretend a lot, she would
pretend even more.
She would cry set in bed
Would remember good times she had
Would think about the things she would never had
Would think about babies
She would cry
She set there and died
She died
She didnt have the nerve, so she died
She didnt die at once
She died slowly
She kill herself a lot, and let everyone kill a bit.
A bite
So little she could feel
She could see
And they could see she dieing
Her struggle
They enjoyed
She enjoyed they had fun
She didnt get nothing
Her heart would never get nothing
And she didnt know
But she discovered
She cried
Died
And kept to herself all the sorrow.
She had a house, a kitchen, a matress a garden, she had a playground,
she had kids playing. She had a lover, she had a life.
She had dreams. Everyday she would concept them, let them grow big and
strong with love.
She would kill them, she would give her dreams to people to kill.
People enjoyed it. A lot.
She had a funeral of her dreams everyday. She would be the only one at
that funeral.
She would set there, and cry. And while everybody was passing by, she
would cry.
Everybody enjoys seen her cry, and she knew.
She just want to please people. She would kill her dreams and she
would also die. She would let people kill her, she would give away her
hopes.
On please people she based her life. People are in a rush, and
demanding.
She knew she would never had what she dreamed.
Nobody would give her
She died
She set there, crying, and die

The “WOULDS-COULDS”.

I would, if I could, have it surrounding me all the time. What? The smell of that pillow, clean sheets and no crumbs. Not any pillow, clean sheets and no crumbs, but THAT pillow, clean sheets and no crumbs.

I would, if I could, have the scent of fresh coffee, toasted bread and melted butter surrounding me all day long. If I can? No, I can’t. I’m not talking about any scent of fresh coffee, toasted bread and melted butter, but THAT fresh coffee, toasted bread and melted butter.

I would, if I could, bring along wherever I go, the sound of that voice, whispering in my ears, the sound of that breath while sleeping and the poker up face. Not any voice, breath or poker up. But THAT voice, breath and poker up.

Chips and salsa, east village, Peanut and now Butters, closet space, shoes all over. Bunches of hair, trying new recipes, groceries on Sundays, lots of loads of laundry, spoiled girl, Chinese food, Chinese food.

Little rats in the morning, craziness cleaning, scrubbing crumbles on bed, carpet, computer. Coffee, eggs and bacon, movies never finished, games, games and games. Folded panties, brand new bra, incredible portions of food, hidden caramels for desert, cry babe, winy girlfriend , “I love u” mugs.

Sliced potatoes on feet, lozenges wraps all over the place, baby wipes, lots of deserved things never used, big rolls on the hair. Books never read, junk on the corners, savings for new things and fancy food at least once a month, high heels, flip flops, flip flops, rain boots . Woot! T-shits, and again, and again.

Diner at Mike a life saver thing, tiramisu because we deserved, Spongebob and the best day ever,blanked, sheets, tv…, shoveling snow, ice already step many times. Turns to see firefighters, half gallon of milk, rock-scissors- paper for bakery trips.

Last salsa on the pot, lots of veggies on the plate, a worldwide cuisine in Ridgewood, seasons, seasons and seasons. Avocado trees that never grows, chilies that never die, friends who never come over, love that never lie, colorful hats, scarf, hot tubs, ships, fish, fish, baked fish, fried fish, mussels , “caipirinha”, mojitos, stolen chop-sticks .

Shower fights for hot water, space to brush teeth, bunches faces, deep sorrow and pain, poor little sheep, Disney songs, Disney songs, Disney songs, musicals, 525.600 minutes, spring awakening, winter awakening, fall, summer, summer, summer, days off, days on, no money, special money.

Church Sunday morning, no church at all, laziness, couch/bed, drunken friends. People over, we over, we all over, weekends off, birthdays, parties, birthdays, kids. Morning kisses, early school, proud, care, love, and love and more love. Christmas, Thanksgiving, deserved presents, and although not deserved, more presents, decoration, cushions, patterns, curtains.

Associates X whole food, whole food, brownies, lunches, glasses. Subway sits, water taxi trips, IKEA dream, IKEA dream… Homedepot trips, union square, mom, dad, brothers in common, countries, war, the city that never sleeps. Sleeping.

Life, short, long, wide, narrow, flowers in the bathroom, plants…pots…dirty…and food, kitchen, tools. Apartments, dreams, basements, dreams, rents, dreams, trips, dreams, arguments, dreams, hugs, dreams, games, dreams…

Lives that crossed and are tangled forever. Arms that are in need of each other and pray for it to happen, dependable honey cheeks…

And think that all would finish in a chair. Not any chair, but THAT chair. THAT one I thought I could live without, ahhh if I could…but I can’t. And even if I could, in that case, I wouldn’t.

Thank you Darko for being part of the most wonderful time of my life. You taught me how to be myself with no shame, and how to stand up for my believes with proud . I hope a bunch more of this couple years come for us and may I make you as happy as you make me. We fit, belong and should be together. May God look for us and lead us into this path of blessings together. I love you with all my heart, and will never forget anything you’ve had done, and have been doing for and with me. The light of my darkness, the air of my lungs, the chubbiest ever, you are, and forever will be, my unique BABY BUNCHES.

The case of the unusual cup of coffee.

There was a house, an old and dusted house, rusted gates, deep down a hill, almost reaching the bottom of it, sharing the narrow space with dead plants and spooky trees. Nothing seen to be living down that foggy place. The sun light would hardly touch the house, only the longest ray would reach it, and just enough to make it barely visible.

although it seem nobody lived there, there was three dogs outside the house, black and big, angry and vicious dogs. Inside there was only one small old weak dog. There was also three sleepy lazy cats, an old lady and her mother, who was much older than her.

Every day, both ladies would follow the same ritual. with no words to be spoken, they would wake up, the old lady would make herself a fresh cup of black coffee with no sugar on it, and make her mother the same amount of the beverage, but with two small spoons of sugar. And there they would sit, in the dusted dark dinner room, in a wooden table with four chair which only two would be empty since two cats would always be sleeping on the other two.

The old lady would have only black coffee while her mother , beside her coffee, would also have a slice of old toasted bread with a spreaded chunk of butter. This scene usually would repeat twice a day, once for breakfast and another after lunch.

But one day all this changed.

The old lady, after lunch, brought her mother the same steamy cup of coffee, sweetened with two small spoons of sugar and a small coffee spoon aside the saucer, resting it right in front of her mother. She then, set on her usual side of the table, rested her head on her arm and felt asleep.

Seem her daughter sleeping, the mother felling forgotten and alone, ran through her mind many thoughts, and stucked with a particular one she had never thought about it.

Time passed and the old lady woke up. She saw her mother with an empty cup of coffee on one hand and a small coffee spoon on the other, looking at her in such excitement she had never seem her mother before.

The mother then, pushed slowly the saucer with the cup towards her daughter, handled her the spoon and, breaking that creepy silence sad:

“- Do you know how many coffee spoons of coffee there are in a coffee cup?”

The old lady, astonished with the mother action, just nodded negatively in doubt, while the mother, catching her breath, answered herself:

” – 83, there are eight three spoons of coffee in a coffee cup!”

the daughter then asked hopeful for the answer:

“- But was the cup half full or hath empty? “

Her mother just looked at her, bent down her head and nothing answered. Both looked at each other and quietly, decided to keep the same routine as usual, no words would be changed from then on.

(Special thanks to my mom (63) and grandma (96) who served of inspiration for this “case”. The case, with nothing of the creepy stuffs, was real, my grandma really did counted how many coffee spoons of coffee there were in a coffee cup, and the result were 83! For further information, the cup was complete, as complete as my grandma happiness and life!)

The girl and her Ricota friend.

Nothing better than start a new year reading cheerful and encouraging stories right?! Well, this story is very cheerful and encouraging and so many other things altogether.

This is the story of a little girl, her name was Purple. Purple was a really bright young girl, who lived in a beautiful land and surrounded by her beloved ones. Purple had friends, really close friends, but she had a feeling that all she had there wasnt enough.

Purple would sit everyday on the shore of an amazing beach and think “what if i go to the other side?what if i find many other friends there? what if…”. The little girl had so many thoughts and questions running through her mind all the time, that she start feeling bothered with them and decided she would go to the other side.

Oh, wasn’t an easy decision. Purple had to convince all the people who love her she was to big to be in a single place. she had those thoughts and she wanted to explore new things, meet new people, make new friends, Purple was a really determined girl, and she would go through with this no matter who it would hurt.

So, in a bright morning, Purple took her bag and left the beautiful land she used to live.  As Purple was taking distance from her land, she realized that,as far she was getting from her land,looking back, things werent as big as she saw when she was there, and Purple suddenly was getting more confident, and she really thought she could make it!

Purple had a really interesting trip. She never had traveled before, so she was really nervous and anxious about all the things, she didnt know and what to expect of it. But Purple got on the other side, and what she thought back on her land was big, in this land, was bigger.

Purple struggled in a cold slushy winter, dragging herself in the most odds places she couldnt even imagine she would be one day. She had no one reliable enough to trust on, no friends or place to stay, Purple was regret to had left her cozy land for this wild cold place.

Purple so, met a couple. They lived in a humble house with a spare room that she could use while settling down. She did. Purple accepted the room, and a shelf on the fridge. She could use all the house though.

Despite Purple having a place to stay, she would still struggle to find a way to support herself. Was a really tough winter, and jobs were limited. she had the most menial jobs  someone could have, and even though working all day, Purple never had enough money to get her meals, in order to pay rent.

But things always need to get on the bottom, to start go up again, and so did it happen with Purple.

Coming back from work one day, Purple went to a store to buy some food. As she walked, tired, through the aisles, she heard a little voice saying “hey you little girl, take me please!”. Purple was very hungry and tired, and thought was her imagination, but once more she heard the same voice.

She looked up and down, right and left, and saw a container of ricotta cheese, on the fridge in the store, with no containers beside it. It was near of the date of expiration, so the price was cheap. Purple then grabbed the container and felt the happiness she hadn’t felt for so long. She felt bad for the ricotta cheese, alone in the cold fridge  and saw many similarities between that container and herself. 

She took it home and placed on her shelf in the fridge. The first from top to the bottom. Her ricotta friend.

The couple who lived in the house thought it was strange the fact that Purple would wake up and go to sleep talking with a container of ricotta cheese. Purple named the cheese as Ricota, and wherever Purple was, there was Ricota.

Purple never had such a trustworthy friend, Ricota fed not only Purple hungry, but also her imagination. They spent all their time together, and soon, the spring came.

Time for Purple to go back home was getting close, and she couldnt take Ricota with her. Ricota, after a couple of months of expiration date due, was old, greenish and smelly. Purple didnt mind, but the couple start to complain about Ricota in the fridge.

So one day, Purple set for breakfast, with all her bags packed, grabbed Ricota from the fridge and, as she looked inside the container, she saw Ricota had died. Purple was alone again.

She couldnt bare the pain and left that land where only Ricota was the reason she would stay. As she was living the house, the Ricota container with the leftover rolled over her feet. Purple took the container and promised Ricota she would never forget what they had together, and would make something remarkable of that.

Purple left. When she got back to her bright sunny land, many friends waited for her. Their life havent changed at all, and Purple had an experience to share and she couldnt keep it for herself.

She told everybody her story and as people were getting touched, Purple would give for each one a little piece of that old Ricota in that container.

As the tears rolled  down through people’s face, landing in the old Ricota cheese, it would expand. Soon, everybody had their own Ricota friend, nurtured with tears of joy and friendship.

Purple opened the first friendly Ricota farm, where all Ricota could live happy and spend their time playing and having a lot of fun.

Purple saved the container forever, she didnt get another Ricota, but was glad everyone understood the value of a Ricota friendship!  

The end! =]

(Fiction based on a true story that happened a couple of years ago, I would love to thank “Purple”, the “couple” and of course, “Ricota”)

Backward and Forward over and over again.

Hey!

Well, I guess all started some time around the end of June 1981. For some reason (not even she knows why) my mom decided that if she did not get pregnant that time, she wouldn’t ever, and she would also kick my dad’s butt! So all started like this. On March 27th 1982, I was born.Some time in the morning and I think was a Saturday. Guessing what waited for me out my mom’s womb, I over stay for 3 days, but mom then freaked out she needed to go back to work, the doctor got scared and pulled me out of mom. If she cried when she first saw me? Nope. She only asked the nurse if I had all the toes and fingers and was healthy (only God knows what would had happen to me if something was missing!) and asked the nurse to take me away from there.

I went home, dad was always in and out, never was that present, and didn’t had a regular job as mom, but I categorize my family as a happy family. Grandma was home waiting for me, she was home all the time actually, and was the first one to whom i laugh. Well, after that, four years latter, afraid my dad would take me away, my mom had my brother, “if your dad ever think about take you away from me, he can have your brother instead”, that what she used to say while pregnant. WHILE PREGNANT, because right after my brother’s birth she sort of changed her mind.

I used to go to a good school, danced ballet and swimming, it was easy do lots of activities, I was never sore since I’m doublejointed (and still) but after my brother was born, i had to stop all that in order to fit both in an affordable school. I think was the first time I realized what would be the “sharing” everybody say you have to do. I didn’t feel that much though, I had lots of stuffs to do at home. I used to live in a small house, two stories, in an old neighborhood, really calm and with lots of kids, I did have lots of friends, but soon i realized it was because I had lots of toys.

Well, dad so decided to buy a little farm in a really far city where I was living, in the countryside, and at the age of 7, we moved. Mom retired really early and decided to give up of her life to take care of her kids. That was awesome. She was a wonderful cook, even though not that lovely (life wasnt easy with mom) there wasn’t kisses and hugs, but there was lots of healthy food and safes trips around the city. This went on for a couple of years, untill i turn a teenager and start to suffer for the most stupid reasons someone can imagine (my brother was always around all this time, but is not about him anymore) my self-esteem was the lowest i ever knew. Mom used to think I wasnt neither beautiful nor smart, although I always thought i was pretty creative, but mom was always so depressed with dad, that i had pretty much to deal with it by myself and try to understand why she didn’t care about me very much.

My teens was the worst time (as I guess is for everybody). I had the worst, and I mean it, friends (with a single exception that was a cousin, from the big city who was 20 days younger than me, I guess she was the worthier one, and we were really bounded since we were born) I had the worst of experiences, the worst of the schools, used to live in the worst of the neighborhoods,the worst of all reletionships and had the worst of everything but health, I had to be healthy to remember all this.

Well, this thing went on untill my earlier 20′s (I think was 23) when I moved to a, we could say, “middle” city. It wasnt big, it wasnt small. And with all the economical difficulty, I had to start work in a “real” job. ( I always work. Since we moved to my dad’s farm, all he used to harvest I used to take to the farmers market and sell it, (really cheap because I had no idea what money was about. Never was to interested either) My first “real” job was on Mc Donalds, where I met the sneakest, dirtiest and stupidest people of the whole entire world. (nothing against Mc Donalds, the restaurant, only for this particular one!) well, right there i learned many things as value people, and how people can be evil, and all the extremes of human thought, I used to work in the night shift, from 2pm to 2am (yes, I know, it doesn’t seem a night shift). Too deep for a simple fast food restaurant, right? Well, you tell me if you worked there. A year latter and about to blow my brains out, I got a second job, to fill the “morning shift, in a coffee shop. Oh, what a delightful time I had leaving home at 6am and coming back home at 2.30am. Everyday, with no day off. All this took place in a shopping mall, in the period of 1 year and 3 months. During this time I didn’t have time to do much on my free time that wasnt sleep. I was already almost 24 and didn’t have a degree, had no time to study, no time to meet people, make friends, nothing. But i did have time to meet the architect who designed the coffee shop i was working, and feeling pity for my story, took me out of there and brought me to work with him as his secretary.

That was the most wonderful time i had in a job. He was a bit crazy and I had to deal with many things to, but was a normal job from monday to friday, business hours, and i had always time to do pretty much what i want. I even remember that, in the first month, he gave to me a time off, paid, to organize my life.

Was so I enrolled an english school. My english was really bad (i still think that is bad enough to write all this, but i really don’t care anymore) but I was really engaged on my improvement. In the meanwhile I found a crazy boyfriend who wants to marry me with 3 months of dating and I really liked him. As any of my relationships didn’t go right, I decided to agree with him. We, then, would get married! I quit the office job(the boyfriend thought what i was getting paid in the office wasnt enough to help out in the household when we would get married) and sort of forced me to find something that would give me lots of money, and I found : Massages. I had the worst time ever, so unpleasure, such a mess my whole life that my boyfriend saw it, and, out of the blue left me. I went to hell, no job, no hope, nothing. Six months latter he got marry, a girl 8 years younger than me, student, with no job! I had a stroke. Went crazy. Started to go to the church everyday in order to find comfort for my pain, and I did. I had a wonderful time. I made friends, I had peace, was amazing. But I had no job. I looked around, started a couple of different things, but nothing was right. I never stopped my english course, that was already on my second year (still pretty bad), but with no money to pay for the tuition, I started work for the school as flyers handier around the city. It was fun.

But one day, all changed. From the no hope vale, the owner of the school asked me the most important question someone ever asked me before: “have you ever thought about travel abroad? you could go, and coming back, you could give classes” . I actually had never thought about it. So my family was like that, mom and brother (best buddies of each other) didn’t want me to go because I didn’t deserve to travel, I didn’t deserve to have a better job, I didn’t deserve nothing. Grandma was already really old to give her opinion, but thought what I decided was the best decision. But then, always far, dad insisted to me for travel. Anywhere. We didnt had much money, so we found a really cheap internship (the Au pair program) he helped me out with a little money and on August 19th 2007 I left my country to go to New York work as nanny live in, two crazy kids, spanish background, crazy food, crazy weather and no friends.

No friends at all.

The winter was the worse, but I met two really interesting people who helped me out. A mexican actor, who invited me to spend my vacation at his place in Mexico and that was the most amazing vacation I ever had. Spend $700 bucks on a 8 days trip, met the most amazing people, food, drink I could ever meet, and a Bosnian constructor, who really changed my life in all aspects.

Replacing my family, he took so good care of me I would never have a way of thank him. We started dating, and living together, and there was no fight, there was no arguments. There was lots of trips around the city, there was a lot of dinners, there was a lot of respect from each other, there was caring, sharing, teaching. He was fundamental. I could then regain my self-esteem, lost so many years ago, I learned many things about me. I was born in the wrong time, I should had been born on the 40′s, to be on my 20′s on the 60′s! I love the clothing, music, dance, all from that time. ( and he actually doesn’t like that much that time, so wasnt because of him!). I learned I love to cook, as hobby. there is no recipe I can’t do, but I use to stick with the ones I already knew i would like! I learned I want to be a house wife, have kids, and take care of them. I love Disney stuffs, the old ones. I cry watching movies, all the dramatics, I like bacon and eggs in the morning for breakfast, and coffee…lots of coffee, no sugar though. I like spongebob, it save my days when it’s cloudy and gray. I can make pretty much everything colorful since I met him. (the guy, not spongebob!) There was awful times too, but i also learned my brain just keep good thoughts. Isn’t that amazing?! If anyone ask me if I remember anything from the past, I don’t. That’s why I know was bad. So, I am mess up of the head, and just can keep the good stuff.

We adopted a pet, Peanut, a hamster who we loved very much, but passed away and we had a really hard time getting over it. Then we adopted another one, Butters, we also love him, but he is totally nuts. He is very angry and have no patience. I use to say, if he was a little bigger, the ones in the cage would be us, not him. But we respect him and beside take care, we leave him by his own most of the time. We also have Shon Bunches, a teddy bear from build a bear who I built and is with me since them. We also had plants. Actually I had plants, if I could I would make a garden of the world. I like seasonings better than flowers though. seasoning also have flowers, and you can use them on recipes!

I don’t have the green card, I had a student visa, and it would expire, so I had to go back home. I didn’t want to. But I had to. One of those grown ups rules you never want to learn about. In New York I took english classes, worked as babysitter for a really bright 6 years old girl who I had a lot of fun. I had my kitchen, my favorite supermarket. I had really interesting dinners with interesting people. I used to listen to great songs, and even though I’m from the 80′s, I learned to be nostalgic of the 60′s. and I had all the friends I want. I had crazy girlfriends to go shop with, and share experiences (and I never had that before). I had pretty much all I want and need.

But on August 11th 2009, I took a flight at JFK airport, with a 10 hours connection in Mexico City, with the final destination in my country. I cried, a lot, didn’t know why, but cried. Me and Shon. We are always together, and today I know he is my best friend.

I came back, in a promise to myself I had to go back to enroll college. It is expensive, but we are going to find a way. I saw my family, they don’t like anything of my “too fancy international cook”, what’s made me a little upset at the beginning, but I got used to. It have been 4 months since I came back. I miss NY. I don’t know if I miss NY, the city, lights and noise, or I miss the peace I found there. Well, is summer here, and winter there, and even the nastier season to some of my friends, for me was all good, never too cold, never too hot, never too gray.

I can’t deny my life changed here. 15 days back home I found a really nice job in an english school (no, wasnt the one I had classes) and even having only one class, and the payment is really low, I enjoy going to work two days a week for two hours, and spend the rest of the day watching movies on my bed. I thought I was depressed, I might be, but Im dealing pretty good with it.

I cook sometimes here, not as often as I used to, but I try. It makes me so happy. I even take pictures of the dishes I make. then I eat them by myself. (the food, no the pictures!)

All changed. My mom isn’t the same independent woman she used to be. She is sad.

My brother is pretty lazy. He is on college now, but He doesn’t care much for anything but his bed. We share a room so that I can say, he probably sleeps 20 hours a day. I wish I could!

My grandma is still around, 96 years old. doesn’t say much. but is around.

My dad, I don’t know, I always think he want to prove something to someone who doesn’t really care if he even exists. He has one of those new rich attitudes being middle class. I feel sorry for him because he can’t prove nothing to no one but that he is a loser. I feel sorry for my mom, who always wanted a normal life and had the opposite of all she asked for, feel sorry for my brother, who is following my dad, and feel sorry for my grandma, who is the best person in the house and doesn’t care about anything. I also feel very sorry for myself. I found all I want, or at least something I want, and now I’m in “sorry” part of everything.

I have no friends. and don’t want them either. I sort of found out I don’t like people. I rather be with Shon and my plants. I planted some things around here, not much though. I also have 3 cats, 2 of them I don’t know well, and 4 dogs, 3 of them I don’t know or care about. The dog I care about I found 5 years ago on the streets, and he was so “ugly”, but I love him. He was probably already 5, because he went blind last year, mom took him to the vet and the he said it was from the age. he deal pretty well with his sightless. Is an example to be followed. My brother and dad doesn’t like him that much because he doesn’t fit in the fancy life they persue, but that really doesn’t bother me not even a little. I like Edgard even blind, limping and stinking! (even after showering he stinks! Says the vet is a deficiency he has! I like, he is unique!). I’m still with the guy back in NY, we chat through the computer everyday, watch movies and he incentives me a lot on my cook, and studying and work things! I really do love him!

And that is it! I don’t know if anyone would have patience to ready this whole thing…but I must say, I really did enjoy writing all this. All the details I left out was either because I forgot (that thing I forget all the bad things) or because wasnt worth mentioning.

If you did ready untill here please remember, put yourself in the first place, always, you are the most important person in the whole world and there is nothing bigger than you. And there is no bad situation without end, as there is no good situation without an end too, but you must learn how to look everything on the bright side! (since I don’t think watching spongebob helps everybody! )