Backward and Forward over and over again.

Hey!

Well, I guess all started some time around the end of June 1981. For some reason (not even she knows why) my mom decided that if she did not get pregnant that time, she wouldn’t ever, and she would also kick my dad’s butt! So all started like this. On March 27th 1982, I was born.Some time in the morning and I think was a Saturday. Guessing what waited for me out my mom’s womb, I over stay for 3 days, but mom then freaked out she needed to go back to work, the doctor got scared and pulled me out of mom. If she cried when she first saw me? Nope. She only asked the nurse if I had all the toes and fingers and was healthy (only God knows what would had happen to me if something was missing!) and asked the nurse to take me away from there.

I went home, dad was always in and out, never was that present, and didn’t had a regular job as mom, but I categorize my family as a happy family. Grandma was home waiting for me, she was home all the time actually, and was the first one to whom i laugh. Well, after that, four years latter, afraid my dad would take me away, my mom had my brother, “if your dad ever think about take you away from me, he can have your brother instead”, that what she used to say while pregnant. WHILE PREGNANT, because right after my brother’s birth she sort of changed her mind.

I used to go to a good school, danced ballet and swimming, it was easy do lots of activities, I was never sore since I’m doublejointed (and still) but after my brother was born, i had to stop all that in order to fit both in an affordable school. I think was the first time I realized what would be the “sharing” everybody say you have to do. I didn’t feel that much though, I had lots of stuffs to do at home. I used to live in a small house, two stories, in an old neighborhood, really calm and with lots of kids, I did have lots of friends, but soon i realized it was because I had lots of toys.

Well, dad so decided to buy a little farm in a really far city where I was living, in the countryside, and at the age of 7, we moved. Mom retired really early and decided to give up of her life to take care of her kids. That was awesome. She was a wonderful cook, even though not that lovely (life wasnt easy with mom) there wasn’t kisses and hugs, but there was lots of healthy food and safes trips around the city. This went on for a couple of years, untill i turn a teenager and start to suffer for the most stupid reasons someone can imagine (my brother was always around all this time, but is not about him anymore) my self-esteem was the lowest i ever knew. Mom used to think I wasnt neither beautiful nor smart, although I always thought i was pretty creative, but mom was always so depressed with dad, that i had pretty much to deal with it by myself and try to understand why she didn’t care about me very much.

My teens was the worst time (as I guess is for everybody). I had the worst, and I mean it, friends (with a single exception that was a cousin, from the big city who was 20 days younger than me, I guess she was the worthier one, and we were really bounded since we were born) I had the worst of experiences, the worst of the schools, used to live in the worst of the neighborhoods,the worst of all reletionships and had the worst of everything but health, I had to be healthy to remember all this.

Well, this thing went on untill my earlier 20′s (I think was 23) when I moved to a, we could say, “middle” city. It wasnt big, it wasnt small. And with all the economical difficulty, I had to start work in a “real” job. ( I always work. Since we moved to my dad’s farm, all he used to harvest I used to take to the farmers market and sell it, (really cheap because I had no idea what money was about. Never was to interested either) My first “real” job was on Mc Donalds, where I met the sneakest, dirtiest and stupidest people of the whole entire world. (nothing against Mc Donalds, the restaurant, only for this particular one!) well, right there i learned many things as value people, and how people can be evil, and all the extremes of human thought, I used to work in the night shift, from 2pm to 2am (yes, I know, it doesn’t seem a night shift). Too deep for a simple fast food restaurant, right? Well, you tell me if you worked there. A year latter and about to blow my brains out, I got a second job, to fill the “morning shift, in a coffee shop. Oh, what a delightful time I had leaving home at 6am and coming back home at 2.30am. Everyday, with no day off. All this took place in a shopping mall, in the period of 1 year and 3 months. During this time I didn’t have time to do much on my free time that wasnt sleep. I was already almost 24 and didn’t have a degree, had no time to study, no time to meet people, make friends, nothing. But i did have time to meet the architect who designed the coffee shop i was working, and feeling pity for my story, took me out of there and brought me to work with him as his secretary.

That was the most wonderful time i had in a job. He was a bit crazy and I had to deal with many things to, but was a normal job from monday to friday, business hours, and i had always time to do pretty much what i want. I even remember that, in the first month, he gave to me a time off, paid, to organize my life.

Was so I enrolled an english school. My english was really bad (i still think that is bad enough to write all this, but i really don’t care anymore) but I was really engaged on my improvement. In the meanwhile I found a crazy boyfriend who wants to marry me with 3 months of dating and I really liked him. As any of my relationships didn’t go right, I decided to agree with him. We, then, would get married! I quit the office job(the boyfriend thought what i was getting paid in the office wasnt enough to help out in the household when we would get married) and sort of forced me to find something that would give me lots of money, and I found : Massages. I had the worst time ever, so unpleasure, such a mess my whole life that my boyfriend saw it, and, out of the blue left me. I went to hell, no job, no hope, nothing. Six months latter he got marry, a girl 8 years younger than me, student, with no job! I had a stroke. Went crazy. Started to go to the church everyday in order to find comfort for my pain, and I did. I had a wonderful time. I made friends, I had peace, was amazing. But I had no job. I looked around, started a couple of different things, but nothing was right. I never stopped my english course, that was already on my second year (still pretty bad), but with no money to pay for the tuition, I started work for the school as flyers handier around the city. It was fun.

But one day, all changed. From the no hope vale, the owner of the school asked me the most important question someone ever asked me before: “have you ever thought about travel abroad? you could go, and coming back, you could give classes” . I actually had never thought about it. So my family was like that, mom and brother (best buddies of each other) didn’t want me to go because I didn’t deserve to travel, I didn’t deserve to have a better job, I didn’t deserve nothing. Grandma was already really old to give her opinion, but thought what I decided was the best decision. But then, always far, dad insisted to me for travel. Anywhere. We didnt had much money, so we found a really cheap internship (the Au pair program) he helped me out with a little money and on August 19th 2007 I left my country to go to New York work as nanny live in, two crazy kids, spanish background, crazy food, crazy weather and no friends.

No friends at all.

The winter was the worse, but I met two really interesting people who helped me out. A mexican actor, who invited me to spend my vacation at his place in Mexico and that was the most amazing vacation I ever had. Spend $700 bucks on a 8 days trip, met the most amazing people, food, drink I could ever meet, and a Bosnian constructor, who really changed my life in all aspects.

Replacing my family, he took so good care of me I would never have a way of thank him. We started dating, and living together, and there was no fight, there was no arguments. There was lots of trips around the city, there was a lot of dinners, there was a lot of respect from each other, there was caring, sharing, teaching. He was fundamental. I could then regain my self-esteem, lost so many years ago, I learned many things about me. I was born in the wrong time, I should had been born on the 40′s, to be on my 20′s on the 60′s! I love the clothing, music, dance, all from that time. ( and he actually doesn’t like that much that time, so wasnt because of him!). I learned I love to cook, as hobby. there is no recipe I can’t do, but I use to stick with the ones I already knew i would like! I learned I want to be a house wife, have kids, and take care of them. I love Disney stuffs, the old ones. I cry watching movies, all the dramatics, I like bacon and eggs in the morning for breakfast, and coffee…lots of coffee, no sugar though. I like spongebob, it save my days when it’s cloudy and gray. I can make pretty much everything colorful since I met him. (the guy, not spongebob!) There was awful times too, but i also learned my brain just keep good thoughts. Isn’t that amazing?! If anyone ask me if I remember anything from the past, I don’t. That’s why I know was bad. So, I am mess up of the head, and just can keep the good stuff.

We adopted a pet, Peanut, a hamster who we loved very much, but passed away and we had a really hard time getting over it. Then we adopted another one, Butters, we also love him, but he is totally nuts. He is very angry and have no patience. I use to say, if he was a little bigger, the ones in the cage would be us, not him. But we respect him and beside take care, we leave him by his own most of the time. We also have Shon Bunches, a teddy bear from build a bear who I built and is with me since them. We also had plants. Actually I had plants, if I could I would make a garden of the world. I like seasonings better than flowers though. seasoning also have flowers, and you can use them on recipes!

I don’t have the green card, I had a student visa, and it would expire, so I had to go back home. I didn’t want to. But I had to. One of those grown ups rules you never want to learn about. In New York I took english classes, worked as babysitter for a really bright 6 years old girl who I had a lot of fun. I had my kitchen, my favorite supermarket. I had really interesting dinners with interesting people. I used to listen to great songs, and even though I’m from the 80′s, I learned to be nostalgic of the 60′s. and I had all the friends I want. I had crazy girlfriends to go shop with, and share experiences (and I never had that before). I had pretty much all I want and need.

But on August 11th 2009, I took a flight at JFK airport, with a 10 hours connection in Mexico City, with the final destination in my country. I cried, a lot, didn’t know why, but cried. Me and Shon. We are always together, and today I know he is my best friend.

I came back, in a promise to myself I had to go back to enroll college. It is expensive, but we are going to find a way. I saw my family, they don’t like anything of my “too fancy international cook”, what’s made me a little upset at the beginning, but I got used to. It have been 4 months since I came back. I miss NY. I don’t know if I miss NY, the city, lights and noise, or I miss the peace I found there. Well, is summer here, and winter there, and even the nastier season to some of my friends, for me was all good, never too cold, never too hot, never too gray.

I can’t deny my life changed here. 15 days back home I found a really nice job in an english school (no, wasnt the one I had classes) and even having only one class, and the payment is really low, I enjoy going to work two days a week for two hours, and spend the rest of the day watching movies on my bed. I thought I was depressed, I might be, but Im dealing pretty good with it.

I cook sometimes here, not as often as I used to, but I try. It makes me so happy. I even take pictures of the dishes I make. then I eat them by myself. (the food, no the pictures!)

All changed. My mom isn’t the same independent woman she used to be. She is sad.

My brother is pretty lazy. He is on college now, but He doesn’t care much for anything but his bed. We share a room so that I can say, he probably sleeps 20 hours a day. I wish I could!

My grandma is still around, 96 years old. doesn’t say much. but is around.

My dad, I don’t know, I always think he want to prove something to someone who doesn’t really care if he even exists. He has one of those new rich attitudes being middle class. I feel sorry for him because he can’t prove nothing to no one but that he is a loser. I feel sorry for my mom, who always wanted a normal life and had the opposite of all she asked for, feel sorry for my brother, who is following my dad, and feel sorry for my grandma, who is the best person in the house and doesn’t care about anything. I also feel very sorry for myself. I found all I want, or at least something I want, and now I’m in “sorry” part of everything.

I have no friends. and don’t want them either. I sort of found out I don’t like people. I rather be with Shon and my plants. I planted some things around here, not much though. I also have 3 cats, 2 of them I don’t know well, and 4 dogs, 3 of them I don’t know or care about. The dog I care about I found 5 years ago on the streets, and he was so “ugly”, but I love him. He was probably already 5, because he went blind last year, mom took him to the vet and the he said it was from the age. he deal pretty well with his sightless. Is an example to be followed. My brother and dad doesn’t like him that much because he doesn’t fit in the fancy life they persue, but that really doesn’t bother me not even a little. I like Edgard even blind, limping and stinking! (even after showering he stinks! Says the vet is a deficiency he has! I like, he is unique!). I’m still with the guy back in NY, we chat through the computer everyday, watch movies and he incentives me a lot on my cook, and studying and work things! I really do love him!

And that is it! I don’t know if anyone would have patience to ready this whole thing…but I must say, I really did enjoy writing all this. All the details I left out was either because I forgot (that thing I forget all the bad things) or because wasnt worth mentioning.

If you did ready untill here please remember, put yourself in the first place, always, you are the most important person in the whole world and there is nothing bigger than you. And there is no bad situation without end, as there is no good situation without an end too, but you must learn how to look everything on the bright side! (since I don’t think watching spongebob helps everybody! )

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